The New World

It's been a long time. Haha...

It's time to open up this chapter.

Firstly, apologies to all those who have been reading my blog for information on where I stay and contact information etc. My internet, accommodation and line has been giving me some problems, but everything is confirmed now!

Address:

6 Maidstone Street, Kelvin Grove QLD 4059

Mobile:

04 1165 9944 (For Australia Contacts)

+614 1165 9944 (For International Contacts)

I'm not working at the moment, because -

1) I'm swamped with school homework:

As evidence from the pathetic amount of time I'm spending on my pricey World of Warcraft account.

2) It's hard to get a convenient place to work

that

3) Allows me to be flexible with my work hours

and

4) Grants me, an international student tax-relief

My only free day is a Thursday, which I normally use for catching up my readings.... and Saturdays are swamped with activities.

I go to Brisbane Chinese Christian Church on Sundays, and've joined a cell ministry called Unicell which meets every Saturday evening.

My food is almost 90% own cooking, diet regulated and absolutely sparkling clean and healthy.

=p

Enough updates? Are these the information you all are looking for?

hahaaha....

****************

Apart from that, my life is rather lonely.

Not that I dislike it a lot, but rather I've come to the realization that I've always taken people around me for granted.

Rather... the emotions that they generate in me.

I'm pretty disciplined in a weird way when I'm alone. I'll sweep my floor every morning, arrange my bed to a neat standard way, throw out the trash... before I even proceed to do anything else.

All these without nagging. - Simply amazing.

The fact remains that I've always been living in a pretty sterile environment that my parents brought me up in, that even alone, I just have to do meet that standard.

Well...

I'll be blogging regularly from now on.

But for now, pictures!

Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary

Koala Bear!!! Had that coming!

Me feeding a 'Roo in the sanctuary

Surfer's Paradise!

The scene alongside Surfer's Paradise

ok.. That'll be it!

Tada!

=)

"It is not the critic who counts, not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with sweat and dust and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, if he wins, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

~ Roosevelt

Crash and Burn

Have you ever felt like nothing you ever did was enough?
Like... Everything you did is for naught?

... Truth is... I've a disastrously low self-esteem... And in many ways, it has drastically altered the way I think, the stuff that I do and the people I come in contact with...

Today I saw a guy on the bus, probably 20 or 21 years old... Total stranger. He was en-route to NUS...
Obviously a student, due to the books he was carrying, and probably rich, from the accessories he wore.
He had a flawless complexion and his body was... Well... Awesome.

Duh... I couldn't help but gawk at him.

I kept side-glancing for almost 5 minutes... And... Well... I kept on thinking, "this guy has everything - brains, looks, money... And with that; a resultant factor would probably be tons of friends."

It felt really shitty, especially when I'm at a crossroad in my life.
I felt so damn shitty that I clenched my teeth and tear-ed.

After so long, what have I been able to do with my life?
I definitely don't think I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth... Or for that matter, any spoon at all.
I screwed up 9 years of my education, only waking up at sec 4. Which proved too magnificently late.
The price to pay was astronomically pricey.

All my dreams had to be altered to another course.
I spent 6 months rethinking what to do with my life and finally decided - if I can't make my dreams come through, I'll make others do.
And so, my media ambitions started.

Truth be told, i'm tired... I just want to lead a life where I can be secure....

It's tiring.... It's nightmarish...

Sometimes, I wish I could restart my life and do everything right...
But it's... Too late now...


Sigh...

New Year Resolutions

First post of the new year. 2011.

Marking the 24th year of my life.

With the exception of my fitness goals, I've manged to complete almost all my new year resolutions wholesale last year.

This year is going to be another tough year.

Tough years call for tough resolutions.

As such, these are my resolutions for the year 2011 -

i. Ensure that my transition to Brisbane is flawless.

ii. Be financially independent by June 2011, on proper, decent part-time jobs.

iii. Hit 70kg in ultra-lean, muscle mass.

iv. Read the entire bible once through (again).

v. Make at least 3 very good friends in Brisbane.

vi. Hit at least 90 percentile in my degree

vii. Perform 30 Pull-ups, Chin-ups, Wide-grip, Narrow-grip without rest by June 2011 and 40 by December.

viii. Explore 5 other major sites of interest outside Brisbane, in Australia.

ix. Learn 1 more new sport that I'll enjoy.

x. Cut down my fat percentage to below 10%

Yup.

Ten resolutions for the new year.

=)

It's is finished. ... Finally.

It's been 3 months since I last recorded my life...

So many things has changed since then, everything rushing to the closure of another chapter in my life.

I wonder, how many chapters would there be at the end of my book?

It's so hard to imagine the future now... it's pretty much a desolate landscape out there...

What do I truly want in life?

Today, Christmas day is the last day of my 15 month stint in Mediacorp.

Suffice to say, even for the last few weeks, I've woken up at night in cold sweat, thinking that there was something I have not done concerning work.

I want to be good... truly, really good at something...

Something which I can be proud of about myself...

But every corner I see, there is another mountain to climb, another river to cross...

... sigh...

May 11

I'm here to build my portfolio. To ensure my success for a future that seems so bleak.

Upcoming Projects

1) Lose To Win Season 2
2) The Winning Post
3) Badminton Opens
4) Commonwealth Games 2010
5) Youth Olympics, Singapore 2010
6) Aviv Swimming Meet
7) Formula One, Singapore
8) Asian Games, Guangzhou 2010

By the end of this year, I vow to have all 8 projects completed successfully on my portfolio...

This I've completed

1) Lose To Win Season 2
2) The Winning Post
3) Li-Ning Badminton Open 2010
4) Delhi Commonwealth Games 2010
5) The Inaugural Youth Olympics, Singapore 2010
6) Sports@SG - Asian Games Special
7) Formula One, Singapore Night Race 2010
8) Asian Games, Guangzhou 2010

It's quite good actually, and I amaze myself as to how I actually managed to do finish something like that.

It was seriously not easy... and I tried to give up countless times for a better life.

But, persevered I did....

I wonder will this portfolio be any good...

I made so many good friends in Mediacorp, so many people whom are genuinely good hearted and helpful... and of course, there are nasty people as well, but work is work and I always separate work from personal grudges as much as possible.

As of now, I have a full 2 years of experience working in the media.

Will it help?

Only the future will tell...

I try to think that what I'm doing is securing my life.. but really, I do know better...

I'm a monster trying to win another monster inside me..

Like an endless vicious cycle of perfection, nothing will ever prove to be enough for me...

Everything - perfect.

It'll probably destroy me one day... but I really feel that I won't be able to take it if I have to hand up a blank report to my Father one day.

A trillion billion human souls, what am I to offer?

... It's a cold, stormy Christmas evening....

... This year has proven to be far more stormy...

And, I've managed to pull through...

... haha.. can't believe it myself...

So happy I could cry...

It's over, Andrew... dispel your nightmares, rest your soul. Make peace with yourself.

You've done well.

I dedicate this year to Jesus, on His birthday... because He did answer my prayer after all.

2010.

This chapter closes,

and the next one opens.

AUSTRALIA.

I'm crying again.

I can't belive it. It's fucking wussy.

But I hate the feeling when I've tried my best and it still fails.

I think this job is not for me.

I'm going to throw in the letter very soon...

and I swear I'm never turning back to this line again.

No matter how much I try, how much I do, it always fails.

IT ALWAYS FAILS.

Everything will go on well in the beginning, then it all crashes to the floor when the stress hits.

It may sound damm weak;

but I seriously cannot take stress.

I can give an excellent piece of work, distinction even, if you don't stress me.

But the moment I feel stressed out, you can assure that everything is going to fly out of the window.

THIS IS ONE OF MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS.

And I've painstakingly, painfully, utterly agonizingly realized it over the past year.

I HATE stressful jobs.

I CANNOT TAKE stressful jobs.

Go ahead, mock me. Laugh...

I'm gone already.

I"ve lost all confidence in myself.

I've lost every last vestige and facet of confidence.

Everytime I do something correct, it only amounts up to a critical point in time when it will all fail again..

I"m sick and tired of this vicious cycle.

NO matter how much preperation I do, it fails.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH WORK AND EFFORT I PUT IN IT FAILS!!!!!!!

why the fuck do I even bother?

do you know how sick and tired I am?

*cries*

Hard Lessons

I felt like screaming, but nothing came out.

I can't post this on Facebook, so I'll do it here.

I know you think I'm useless.

I know you think that I'm a hardworking nutcase with no brains for anything.

Each time I see that exasperated look in your eyes I fall down another step.

Steps which I took so long to climb up.

I have no idea why you are so exasperated with me.

Is it because you've left your "mistakes" behind you, so far away that you forgot how much it hurts when people deride you for mistakes you don't even know you committed?

I'm sorry. If that is the case, I'll never be good enough for you.

Nor will anybody be.

Maybe except girls.

I've often wondered, when I first stepped into Mediacorp, why there are so many females and so, so little of their counterparts.

Over the months, I've come to understand why.

The reason is simple -

People think twice before kicking females around.

People think twice before shouting and scolding and throwing stuff at females.

People think twice before giving a female more work to do if there is a male around.

Maybe it's because I swing the other way thats why I realize that so blatantly in the organization.

I had to get this off my chest after swallowing so much SHIT today.

This is my FIRST time doing a live show.

I'm doing it WITHOUT an in-house AP by my side, unlike almost ALL the other Olympics, SEA Games, Asian Games and whatnot.

The "grandmaster" AP was around for 8 years in Mediacorp, until she quit last year. Subsequently followed by two very "shitty" APs.

... come to think of it, I wonder why.

I've been thinking, were they truly shitty? Or was it because they were simply thrown into a vast lake without a lifeline and just left to sink?

I've been scolded countless times from my boss when he/she asks me,

"Have you gotten this done yet?"

and I give *a blank look*

the reason why I give "the blank look" is because I simply didn't even know I was supposed to do it.

And their repl(ies) to that would be something like

1) Roll eyes and make you look like the biggest loser in the world

2) say, "Then why didn't you ask?" (IMHO, this is the stupidest question in the world because, you're asking me to ask something that I didn't know I'm even suppose to ask!)

3) Ask someone else to do the job, which ALSO makes you feel like shit because you CAN actually do it, but because NOBODY said anything, your job splatters on another unfortunate soul. (It makes you feel like you're accumulating bad karma.)

I'm the ONLY sports assistant producer in Mediacorp, and I learnt EVERYTHING from scratch.

I only see my "teacher" twice a week, and on special occasions, maybe more.

All I had to refer were scraps of notes handed down from previous generations of APs to me.

There was NO ONE to guide me.

NO ONE to teach me.

NO ONE to protect me.

NO ONE to tell me what to do next.

So each time I get scolded, slammed, derided, insulted, slandered, I swallowed it and took it as one of my learning lessons.

I bet for the past EIGHT years at least, no sports AP had to resort to learning in this fashion.

I felt like screaming, but nothing came out.

Because I know I have another four months to go.

I totally agree when one of the producers recalled what an assistant producer said before he left.

He turned around and screamed at the EP, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEDIACORP? IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU!"

Reflecting on that statement, Mediacorp is probably one of the worst places to work at in the world.

But it is my training ground.

That is why I stifled my scream.

I stifled till tears almost came out.

Yes.

Just walk away.

You may be better then me, for now, but I swear across my life that I'll surpass you by far one day.

And I will be a better person, compared to you.

I will learn.

I will learn everything I know.

Each emotional scar, each slam, each derogatory remark, each slander, I will remember, and I will learn from them.

They will remind me what I will not do in the future.

I will not become like you.